Feature-fetish

Posted by Jerry Mon, Jun 27 '05

I admit, I’m a sucker for no, I’m a whore for features. Whether it’s mere lookit-what-my-program-can-do in softwares and computer games and design, or overpriced gadgets (you know, the ones you see on afternoon TV adverts aiming to convince some mama-san her life isn’t worth living if she doesn’t own a Super-Duper 1000-horsepower Triple-Razor Shredder-Blender-Whatchacallit-Cutter, all for the price of $199.99!), i’ll be the one in all fan-boy mode, slurping up the feature list, plus the 'ooh-aah’s, minus the drool (We’re a civilized society, so let’s at least be hygienic fanboys). I’d triple-check for new extensions daily for my Mozilla Moongrub / Supermonkey / Spacefrog / Junglecow (generated by none other than Firesomething), I check and download each Azureus CVS build, and I absolutely obsess over each and every new revision of the Aesir project (which I’m not going to post a link here, sorry), tracked by CIA.

One thing that probably sets me apart from the stereotypical example of a homo sapiens male-ous geek-us species (Commonly found prowling the lush grounds of Lowyat, hunting for prey — homo sapiens noob-icious, a defenseless but rapid-breeding species that travels in huge packs) is I just don’t bother about hardware. I mean, triplo-quadro-buffering-core-what? As an IT guy am I expected to be knowing these stuff by heart? I’ve been stuck with a laptop ever since I owned a computer, and you can’t upgrade laptops anyway, so who cares about triplo-quadro-buffering-cores?1 The only gripe I got with my baby is it blatantly refuses to run any games made in this decade… but ah, did someone not say, “Love = Toleration?”

As I continue to write about gadgets some awful thought starts to stir. No, no, my will is strong. I will not give in. But it is too powerful… powers so great its unfathomable by mortal mind… No, no, I have guarded it for a year, and I will continue to…! But just think of its… features... the capabilities it promises… just think of the satisfaction each and every member of the Legion that have embraced it speaks of… yessss… just type it out… there you go… one word at a time… omg I can’t hold it in..! Too late… must write it down…!

ARGHHGODIWAAANTANCREATIVEZENMICRO
YEEARHMUSTTBUYNONOTOOEXPENSIVEMUST
RESISTNOGIVEINTOITSSEDUCTIONLOOKIE5GB
1000MINUTESSOSMALLSOSHINYSOSOHIPSOO
COLOURFULYESIMUSTOOOWNONE...!2


1. Unfortunately, no one still ever believes what I say when I explain in detail why I can’t help him/her with deciding computer components to buy, or what exactly is the difference between Intel and AMD, or why did I recommend them to buy a dozen EDO ram sticks and stuff it plastic wrapping and all in their CD-ROM to stand for three days two nights… and three out of four times I get passed off as a selfish bastard who doesn’t want to part with his oh-so-precious knowledge. Oh well. At least they got the doesn’t want to part with knowledge part correct.

2. The author has not been harmed in any way during the production of this blog post, and does not suffer from insanity or other psychological disorders of any kind. Please do not bother to contact if you are a member of the Psychology Club looking for show-and-tell subjects, or a part-time Christian looking forward to trying out exorcism methods in Constantine, or undercover detectives looking for clues to the last Creative mp3 player theft case.

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